I think I'm inclined to agree with Cameron Adams.

The new Garbage single is nowhere near as good as Shirley Manson thinks it is, and the fact that she's been acting as if beautifulgarbage - ie. the only Garbage album with any decent songs on it that weren't the first couple of singles - was a great big mistake made by people that weren't her only serves to drive the final nail into the coffin that is my Garbage fandom.

I won't be buying the album (this is a blatent lie, because I know I won't be able to cope with an incomplete discography, because it just wouldn't look right having all the old albums and not having the new one to stack next to them - but you can rest assured I'll be buying it with a sneer).

I will, however, be buying the Mel C album (under cover of darkness, wearing a snood and a face mask, of course).

Harold's Food Flinging Frenzy.

I haven't been able to open it for 3 days!! What if I am missing important emails?!?

Meanwhile: just to reiterate, I really hate Lyla. It is the worst Oasis song ever, ever, ever.

Also: Cameron Adams is crazy. (Garbage: Not that good. Mel C: Excellent!)

Oh, the Oasis song is terrible, isn't it? Simply dreadful.



Detective Stu, since you did such a great job tracking down Michael, do you think you could find where Noel put the good songs next?

To borrow a Cameron Adams phrase...whisper it...I sort of like the Tamara Jaber song.



(This has also lead me to play the Scandal'us album...it's all pretty sad)

IN OTHER NEWS!:

I will soon be hearing the Oasis single!!!!!!!! (Why do I have a feeling I am going to hate it)

Keen-eyed viewers well have noticed I've not posted an awful lot here at Crystal's Love Pavilion for a few days. This is because my internet is fucked and won't let me sign in I'm still reeling from this soundbite:



I'm not sure in what context she said it - because God, and everybody else in this universe, knows Mel C has done her fair share of griping about the World's Greatest Girl Band's back catalogue - and there's part of me hopes she was being sarcastic, so that I won't have to admit that Mel C was responsible for the World's Greatest Idea EVER.

And that, as they say, is that.

According to my Lizjournal, I purchased this album approximately 8 months ago:



On that day, I listened to it twice, then put it on the shelf and never played it ever again.

Not even Cameron's 'Best Album of 2004' verdict could get me to give it another spin. And yet, of all things, their random 30 second appearance at the Grammys (that was only just screened this weekend) has made me pull it out again.

And isn't it QUITE EXCELLENT. I don't know what I was thinking at the time. Actually, I DO - I was too caught up in the non-stop thrills and excitement of Keane Mania. (Unfortunately)

Anyway, I'm just ashamed by the extreme belatedness of this new appreciation mania. Not that I've ever really been on the cutting edge, but still. And I don't even want to get into how late I've arrived at The Killers party. (It's almost the same identical story, actually).

...send out Detective Stu to look for Michael?



Let's hit the theme song!:

'So, travel down the Road of Success,
come to the detective who knows best,
If there's a crime then he won't rest!
It's Detective Stu
That's who'

He won't really be able to look for him, necessarily, but you know, keep your ears open Stu!

All Around The World, gotta spread the word...



Boy, we sure dropped this segment faster than Kayne Taylor's Postal Service, didn't we?

But it's back now, with some VERY distressing news:

"Don't Believe The Truth runs to eleven tracks, and Noel has written five."

5 out of 11!? I do NOT like that Noel Songs to Un-Noel Songs ratio. In fact, if I understand simple mathematics, that is less than half the tracks. This is BAD NEWS.

Do you know what was excellent about Definitely Maybe? Noel wrote all the songs.
Do you know what was great about What's The Story? Noel wrote all the songs.
Do you know what was good about Be Here Now? Noel wrote all the songs.
Do you know what was questionable about Standing On The Shoulders Of Giants? Liam wrote one of the songs.
Do you know what was bad about Heathen Chemistry? People who were neither Liam NOR Noel wrote some of the songs.
Do you know what sounds disastrous about Don't Believe The Truth? Noel seems to have given up completely.

Seriously mate...you take 3 years to make this album, and the best you can come up with is FIVE songs? It's lucky that yesterday was the day of your resurrection, or I'd really be a lot tougher on you right now.

I love you Cameron, in case you didn't already know.

Thanks to the following for our new banner:



Though they haven't done the sidebar or background. Perhaps that costs extra.

I'm thinking about going back to Chris. He might have charged the most, and been unreliable, but at least the job was done thoroughly.

Because I hadn't heard it for a year until it came on yesterday, causing me to burst out laughing in public...

Bob The Bachelor's "Girlfriend"!



'Could you make a phone call to Jesus to clean up my soul?'

It's really all about the Jesus line, but there's plenty of other stupid lyrics and moments of hilarity (as I went through much more thoroughly in my original post, during the brief time we were 'Bob's Love Pavilion'). Such as:

"Bring me my future, just make sure it's mine!"

"Could you open the window, but leave out the cold?"

"There's still rain on the runway, but I'm doing okay, I've got cigarettes to kiss"

"I know I should be sleeping, but it's too soon to tell"

It really really is the stupidest song of all time. And yet...it's quite listenable. I liked it so much at the time I almost purchased the album. Thank Cameron I couldn't face the staff at Sanity came to my senses in time.

Since no one else seems to care about this show, we're just going to care a lot.


(Is that a KC and Jo-Jo top? Now that IS random.)

Top 5 Acts On The X-Factor:

1. Random
2. Mark Holden
3. 'Jakey B' 'The Rock Kid' - Who, for future reference I will be refusing to call that.
4. Kaya
5. Gemma

I also liked The Brothership, till that idiot voted them off.

Top 5 Worst Acts On The X-Factor:

1. Kate "Todd McKinney" Ceberano
2. Janie
3. John Reid
4. Russell
5. Daniel McPherson

Is it lame that I really love Random from the X-Factor? It's alright...I know it is.

If you're wondering where I've been the past 5 days (which is a relatively long time for me) I've had my 21st, a missing kitten, and illness keeping me away. But, REST THOROUGHLY ASSURED - "Random To Win X-Factor" - The Campaign is starting now!

At the risk of being smote down by Cameron Adams/Gods' very own personal Jesus, I'm going to proclaim we have a new Best Song EVER in our midst...



Kelly Osbourne - 'One Word'.

Two words: Fucking. Hell.

Forget everything you ever knew about Kelly Osbourne.

Because she's decided that she's had it with punk-pop, and she's now going to try her hand at being Gwen Stefani, albeit with ten times more conviction than Gwen Stefani could ever manage.

This is the kind of fuzzy, 80s-inspired dance music Kelly should have been doing all along - the cover of 'Sunglasses' sledge-hammered onto the live DVD was every bit as fabulous as you'd imagine it to be, and is a good starting point for anyone considering backing her when she makes her second bid at pop superstardom - and I can't tell you how excited I am for the new album (she's calling it Sleeping in the Nothing - it's a tribute to The Never-Ending Story or drug addiction or something - and it's out in June).

News reaches me here at Michael Bush Heights that my homeboy from back in the day, Jesse from out of Dream Street, is at number five in the ARIA charts.

I'm still not entirely sure what this means, but I am very proud that Australia has taken old J-Mac under their collective wing and provided him with the platform he so richly deserves, despite the fact that 'Beautiful Soul' is utterly dreadful...

He's never going to top 'Hooked On You'.



In other news, his royal highness, St. Alan Fletcher - otherwise known as The Ghost of Dr. Karl Kennedy off Neighbours - is bringing his travelling freakshow to the UK this coming May to perform all the hits, including 'Perfectly Comfortable' and, erm, Oasis's very own 'Wonderwall', which I will be attending, should I be able to get my greasy mits on a ticket before they all sell out.

Although I really should get round to planning that trip to Australia at some point.

Awww, Cameron is really taking Nikki's departure hard as well:



Meanwhile, in other sections of HiT he seems to have taken leave of his senses, and given Anthony Callea a three star review. And Delta's on the cover again, for the 3rd time in 4 months!

So glad we made it, time will never change it...



Well, it's all over. Nikki's been cruely voted off, and we are left not only devastated, but hanging in the middle of a campaign. WHERE TO NOW?

The Good Bits About Last Night's Show:

Mel C's answer to someone mistakenly referring to her as 'Mel B'?

'I'm the one who does the music'.

Well, that's her gone and blown it.

I DID have MelC.net saved to my Favourites. I WAS planning on buying the album off eBay, for 30p.

Not anymore.

If I knew the coding to make a table, you can rest assured there'd be comparisons galore, but let's just say even Mel B's album is better than Reason and leave it at that...

Apologies to anyone who couldn't face the day on Friday, when I announced that our beloved Dr. Kennedy was going to die...

However, the spoilers on the official Neighbours website announced, 'Karl dies of a heart attack on a lonely country road', which, from this angle, seemed very conclusive, so, really, it's not my fault at all.

Neighbours Wrap!

2 Excellent Karl Kennedy-related Pieces Of News:



1. Karl does NOT die. So don't worry. Sorry if Michael scared anyone.

2. In real life, when he's not being Karl, Alan Fletcher plays in a band who perform Oasis covers!!!

(If you're in Melbourne, yes, I have just been reading the article on Karl in the TV Guide)

Click here, and your whole world will fall apart.

This has probably been on the front cover of every Australian newspaper worth it's cover price for the last month or so, but with the fabric of Ramsay Street society on the brink of being torn apart, I thought The Love Pavilion had best report on it:

[Top Secret invisable spoiler]

Karl dies.

[/Top Secret invisable spoiler]

I know. First the divorce, now this, right?

With news that the new album is to be called Don't Believe The Truth, Oasis keep up their long tradition of terrible album names.

Oasis Album Titles In Descending Order Of Awfulness:

Most awful first, least awful last.

1. Don't Believe The Truth
2. Standing On The Shoulders Of Giants
3. (What's The Story) Morning Glory
4. Heathen Chemistry
5. Be Here Now
6. Definitely Maybe

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!



OH THIS IS JUST BRILLIANT.

Too early for a countdown, you say? Well, NO actually, it's the exact right time.

Because, tomorrow we are launching:



'Tons of fun for everyone!' - INDEED!

It's 'Oasis - Around The World In 80 Days' - An 80 day non-stop Oasis extravaganza!

Don't worry, we're keeping Nikki up until DWTS finishes or she gets voted off, whichever comes sooner. The two things can run side by side - after all, what two things fit together better, when you think about it?

What you can expect this week:

Well, she's not DEAD, but getting voted off Dancing With The Stars is as good as. Poor, poor Susie.

Anyway, onto Nikki's Showing:

I can't quite believe that Crystal - one-time Ausculture serial commentator and hardcore Nikki Webster fangirl - hasn't posted about this exceptional piece of work.

'You're A Z-List Actress, Holly Brisley', the Webster campaign's very first protest song!

After getting my Nancy Drew on for some serious super-sleuthing (or, at least, fannying about on Google when I should have been finishing my History essay), I found this little beauty - yes! For only $795, you too can learn to present as well as Holly Brisley!

Except, you can't, because she hasn't time for helping the needy now that she's a high-flying dance star.

But there you go.

Ok, so there's exciting Oasis single and album news today, which we're going to FULLY go into tomorrow, but a close second, which we will be 'addressing' today is news of Misdemeanor Higgin's up-coming single release.

She's FINALLY living up to her given name, 'Melissa', 'Misdemeanor'. By that we mean, of course, that she's leaving the piano behind to become a dancefloor superstar.

(Well, kind of sort of)

The BEST news is that she's releasing The Special Two which will literally come along and knock Wires off it's Song Of The Year perch. And, according to our blog twins, she's making it even better (and also worse) by releasing three dance mixes of it. Finally - some Misdmeanor you can dance to!

************

In regards to that Oasis news, Nikki, you'd better make the most of your stay as our Joel-O-Vation, because very soon we're going to be going into Oasis overdrive. (Incidentally, is Noel in the L-O-V business, I wonder.)

I can't believe how quickly the week has flown by! Show time again already!

Finally!



There's been a hammer emergency down at the liz-o-vations factory, so Chris can't be with us on the 'judging panel' today, but Cameron and I are here to debate the merits of the first contestant.



It's Hillary Duff's - Someone's Watching Over Me

Cameron: "This positivity-laden ballad sucks. 1 Star"

Crystal: Cameron, I'm afraid I'm going to have to disagree with you there. You've said it yourself! - It's a 'positivity-laden ballad'! By it's very definition it CANNOT suck.

Cameron: "Diabolical"

Crystal: Cameron! WRONG.

Cameron: RIGHT. I'm sorry, but I can't let her through on the basis of this.

Crystal: Well I say a big fat YES. Based on the following points:

Fuck me - Scissor Sisters' Rage playlist would actually be worth moving to Australia for.

Top Five Songs On Scissor Sisters' Rage Playlist In Descending Order Of Aceness:

Even if, for the most part, they are interchangeable.

1. 'Rainbow Connection', The Muppets.
2. 'Babooshka', Kate Bush.
3. 'Sex Drive', Dead or Alive.
4. 'Alphabet St.', Prince.
5. 'Supermodel', Ru Paul.

TAKE YOUR SEATS FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN TELEVISION FILM-CLIP BROADCASTING HISTORY:

For, this Saturday....

It's the first thing ever resembling a good Rage Guest Program.



The Scissor Sisters, I could marry you ALL.

LOOK!!:

So, the breaks have been applied to our Susie Wilks campaign, and the Holly Brisley campaign was thankfully nothing more than a brief thought we entertained, that never got out of first gear.



Of course, it's all Nikki, all the way. HOWEVER. We need backup. We need order. We need ranking. We need LISTS.

Dancing With The Stars Contestants, In Descending Order Of Excellence:

1.Nikki & Sasha
2.Susie & Jonathan
3.Tom & Kym
4.Ian & Natalie
5.Derryn & Patrice
6.Holly & Mark
7.Jason & Luda

At this stage it's pretty much running as a Nikki to Jason scale. The closer you are to Nikki, the more you have our support, and the closer to Jason, the less of it you have. Therefore, Susie can be judged as a close second, and Holly as only being slightly less terrible than Jason.

So, there's this contestant we love on Dancing With The Stars, who is much hated by the majority of the country, has been accused of holding an unfair advantage over of other contestants because of her previous dancing experience, and enjoys posing for FHM. And then there's Nikki Webster.

No, no, no! JUST KIDDING. It looks like I am suddenly going to start going for Holly Brisley, doesn't it. I admit, I was tempted. And I'm sorry for threatening Holly-o-Vations over at Holly Wood (all posts have been deleted from yesterday, incidentally).

Anyway, I'm going to do the unexpected and actually stay ON BOARD with Nikki! That's right - I'm going to get more Nikki than ever! It's a Nikki Re-Boot!!

So, fear not kids! - Nikki mania is still on!

Geri: "Rubbish"
Brian McFadden: "Far better than anyone could have expected"

I can't believe I've gone ELEVEN days without declaring one of these.

While we're on the subject:

"Where Are They Now?" - Fads Of 2005 Special:

Green Day 'Boulevard Of Broken Dreams' - so over that.
Brian McFadden - Forgotten about him.
Lindsay Lohan - Sick of her.
U2 - 'Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own' - Can't believe I ever liked THAT.
Athlete - Done with them.

Nikki, honey, it's really not looking good, is it? (I will hate you by Friday, sigh, I just KNOW IT)

How is this even a TV show?, asks the delectable Will of Nikki Webster appreciation page, Fop.

I'll tell you how this is a TV show.

Someone, somewhere, who happened to work for the BBC, thought it would be a good idea if the world's of dance and celebrity were combined and dreamed up Strictly Come Dancing

All the stars were on it, including Esther Rantzen, Aled Jones, the obligatory Person With An Olympic Medal and, fabulously, Julian Clary (who I'm related to by a string of only two tenuous links, which I am obviously very, very proud of).

It was, undoubtebly, the worst thing ever to be shown on television.

But people loved it!

They literally couldn't get enough, to the point of it being spun off into a second series, and the BBC extending the franchise with Strictly Ice Skating, and the Pop Idol-style Strictly Dance Fever, which will see the Great British Public 'dancing up a storm' and being mocked, incessantly, by Graham Norton.

Clearly, someone in Australia was watching.

And we don't even have former child stars in hellish wigs by way of consolation.

You know, at the rate of this overkill, there's going to be a backlash soon, and I'm going to be the one to instigate it. So, let's all calm down about Nikki for a moment, and take a look at her formidable opponent, Ms Susie Wilks.



Now...I used to be quite the gigantic fan of Susie.

Facts:

I think I'll pretty much just leave you with my detailed and comprehensive 'note taking':



You know, I was just doing my part for the campaign, ready with PEN IN HAND in case Nikki did anything extraordinary, but as I had not one, not two, not three, but FOUR people ask 'What the hell are you doing?', I don't think I'll be taking notes again. It's just not worth the explanations.

Anyway:

Seems my heart had other plans, now I'm a puppet on a string.

As Joel and I have just completed this banner...



...for our new Blog Triplet Jellyfish Online, I'd just like to say that if anyone else wants one, they are relatively easy to make. Just 'drop us a line' at crystalgallagher@gmail.

I MUST say though - I never in my wildest dreams imagined this campaign would actually be popular. It's just TAKING OVER. And to be honest, probably becoming a bit mainstream. But God am I proud - I haven't been at the head of an underground internet phenomenon since my glory days of the 'Lizjournal' typo.

Anyway - Dancing With The Stars, tonight's episode of. If you think I didn't take notes, then you are very naive. Full wrap later, but SEE IF YOU CAN TELL WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE FOLLOWING:

Holly Brisley: 7,7,8,8, 30
Nikki Webster: 7,8,7,7, 29

Damn it to HELL!

In yet another interruption to Nikkimania I'd like to offer my belated condolences to V, who triumphed in the face of staggering indifference by being everything a boyband should be and releasing the best single a boyband has ever released since, well, D-Side's last single in 'Hip To Hip'.

Frankly, given their chart run, I'm astounded that they ever managed to make it to the album launch, but they were never given much of a chance - their first single was, frankly, awful, and they were made to look like an ugly a1 tribute band by people who had their hands tied up with milking the respective cash cows of Busted and McFly, two of the most successful - and, therefore, demanding - pop groups of recent times.

Despite having an unhealthy quota of Ugly Ones (the 'Ugly' to 'Quite Fit' ratio being something like 3:2), they were all quite nice, and funny, and could hold a decent interview, even if their songs were a bit naff.

They will be missed.

Not just a pretty face.

Rad give-aways. Inspiring reads. Cheeky interviews.

I'd be very grateful if someone could hook me up with a subscription to Chik magazine.

Officially On Board The Campaign:

And the tension is building all around the country, as our girl prepares to take to the floor tonight!

Now, as I suggested yesterday in the Nikki Supporter's Guide, I've been getting to work on my Noise Next Door style series of novels on Nikki Webster. HAVE YOU? Send in your ideas if you have, and we'll get to work on a publishing deal. No, it's not four years after a market for this has clearly passed. It's still totally what all the kids will want.

Now, my main challenge was trying to come up with a plot-line that would allow the novels to be entitled the high-lariously punned "Webster's Dictionary". The best I could come up with was a storyline where Nikki starts work at a Scrabble factory. This is quite frankly the most terrible idea ever, so it was 'back to the drawing board' on that one.

What we need to do instead, is instigate a "plot" that Cameron Adams has predicted for several years - "Wait until she turns 18, releases an indie album and insists on being called 'Nicole' ".

Yes - just WAIT. Or, alternatively...READ ABOUT IT.

More on this idea as it develops...

Newsflash.

Because sometimes there are no words.