Great Jokes Still Sound The Same

Speak - The Official Review - Part One:

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I nipped into HMV on Monday morning, to buy the Fierce Girl single, and to have a look for the Antony and The Johnsons album, given I've got indie cred and all.

They didn't have either of them, so I decided I'd buy Speak, instead of relying on my poor quality MP3s of 'Speak' and 'Rumors' for all my Lohan needs. I looked unded 'Lohan' for it, but - shock! - they didn't have it, but all was not lost, because I saw it - a vision in pink - filed wrongly under 'Lindsay'.

When I left the shop, I sat down on one of the seats outside, even though the seat in question was wet, such was my desperation to hear how Lohan would fare up to Duff. I popped the CD into my Walkman (none of this poncey iPod nonsense - music is not music unless you have to carry it around in a havasack and it skips like a bush kangaroo when you're listening to it) to find that the batteries had ran out, so I was left contemplating the artwork all the way through my early morning lecture.

Obviously, the front cover is one of the all-time greats - certainly up there with the 'No Good Advice' single cover, possibly as good as 'Love Machine', maybe even as good as Kate Bush's Lionheart - but the CD itself is a work of art, and extra points are awarded for the inlay's blatent rip-off of Boy George's Cheapness & Beauty.

The booklet is brilliant, not least because it features a picture of Lohan (being referred to by your surname is the new being referred to by your first name - Madonna and Kylie are so 2004) pretending to play a purple guitar, but the purple guitar she is pretending to play is broken, obviously a referral to the fact that, yes, she's only a popstar because she's been in some fucking ace films, but she couldn't give a flying fuck what you think, you pleb.

I was delighted to find that the inside of the booklet features the best thing anyone can put inside a booklet, ie. a collage of candid snaps, especially given the collage of candid snaps in questions feature Lohan on the set of both The Parent Trap and Mean Girls.


To Be Continued...Honest.

(Ps. Image searching 'Lindsay Lohan Speak' with SafeSearch switched off brings up some, erm, interesting results).

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